|Posted by Alyssa.fenix on July 8, 2014 at 10:25 AM||comments (0)|
You are beautiful just the way you are, Katia, and you are not alone. These feelings you are feeling are not unique.
There are so many others like you who are seeking, who are looking to find our purpose, and who are looking for acceptance. There is an energy force out there, taking care of us, giving us what we need, even as we feel alone. The best part is that this force is within you too. If you open your heart, you will feel it, and you will know the peace and Love that is absolutely yours. Gay, lesbian, straight, etc., will be just labels.
We will discover that Love manifests in so many ways, and no way is the right or wrong way. Many will awaken and discover that the energy force that is God does not label us and separate us into categories. We will discover that we are all just pieces of a Whole. I could keep going, really, but isn't this enough?
|Posted by Alyssa.fenix on July 8, 2014 at 9:40 AM||comments (0)|
Dear teenage self, I am a social worker in a relationship with a woman. If I knew I could still have been a mom and have my spirituality as a teen my life would have looked a bit different. I don't have regrets, but I needed to know God would not forsake me and I could still be a mother to a child/children. As a result of my journey I was able to learn and be awakened by freeing myself to live with integrity in EVERY aspect of my life. Hiding who we are creates a menagerie of deceptions to others and to ourselves. Those walls take years to break down. Time wasted instead of living.
Being of color and having a challenging childhood made it difficult for me to follow my true desires. I instead friended the women I had crushes on and just enjoyed watching them. I admired them in EVERY way. It wasn't just for lust, it was a connection and pulling towards them I could never explain. I came out when I was 24 and still had a long way to go.
If I knew I could be myself and that HELL was living someone else's truth, I'd would have been happier in life much sooner.
My advice is to always be who you are. Your sexuality doesn't create your destiny, living your truth in FULL does.. Suppression of self is depression of the spirit.
|Posted by Alyssa.fenix on July 8, 2014 at 9:35 AM||comments (0)|
Dear 14 year old me,
I know that 1994 has been a hard year, especially with all the thinking you have been doing as to your sexual orientation. But I also know the relief you felt when you decided to accept and embrace it despite the possibilities of rejection by family and friends. But the road isn’t over, it’s only just beginning.
Don’t be scared to tell your parents, they may not react as accepting as you would hope but they will accept you. I know you are more scared to tell your mom than you are dad but she will be the first to fully accept you and your father will soon follow.
If you still follow your plan to join the military be prepared, you won’t be able to shout out loud "I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it!" like you do now, you must hold your tongue on who you are and maintain professionalism. I know it’s not fair but it will be the price you pay for following your dreams. You will not be able to discuss your family and personal life like your co-workers, you will not have your squadron calling your spouse to make sure they are doing ok while you are deployed, if you have children you will not be able to add them to your medical coverage or use base services like day care or the elementary school, you will not be able to leave work if something happens to them or in an emergency. Yes most seem like little things now, but they will take their toll. They will make you angry at times and constantly question why your life and love is treated in such a manner. You will decide to answer honestly if someone ever asks you (even though you know what can happen) or to deny, I implore you to never deny who you. But you will be lucky, you will work with amazing people who will accept you, who won’t ask but know. You will have supervisors who do call your spouse and who know your family. You will be more fortunate than so many others in this aspect so please cherish it and be grateful.
There is one adverse effect that will come from your military ventures, you will not be as active in creating change in the LGBTQ community as you will become throughout your high school years. but don’t worry you will find your way back, you will be older then yes but the experiences that you will have had will benefit those you will meet (all of whom will be younger than you) and yourself.
I wish I could tell you that you will find the mythical "one" that we all so often hear about. That you will fall in love and that’s it complete and utter love life perfection, but unfortunately I can’t tell you that because it doesn’t work that way. You will experience hurt, some far greater than others. No matter how badly injured your little heart is always try to forgive; I know its hard trust me I do, But holding onto that hurt and whatever anger may come with it will only hurt you not the one who may have caused this pain and leave you guarded and untrusting on many levels. You will love so very completely at least once, giving your heart and soul unconditionally, but it will not be easy and unfortunately it will be the most painful hurt you have experienced. But you will survive, it won’t be easy but you won’t shut down, you will keep going and healing but most importantly you will learn from it.
The most important things that I can tell you right now is please try and always be true to yourself, be your true self. Don’t let a lover reshape you or try to change who you are because they don’t like it, and don’t let them ridicule you or put you down. If they can’t accept or don’t like who you are then they do not deserve you! Don’t let anyone control or abuse you, or call your kindness weakness. You are NOT weak!
The second thing is that you do not have to label yourself! You do not have to be a butch women or a femme. You do not have to fall into the categories just to make straight people comfortable NOR do you have to fall into categories to make other LGBTQ people comfortable. You do not have to call yourself a lesbian or gay or anything else other than ‘me’.
There is so much more you will experience but maybe it’s not fair to tell you everything that is to come, you still have to make decisions and choices on your own. But stop and think and maybe reconsider a few things or people you let in along the way.
So stop, breathe and let’s see what you get into now.
|Posted by Alyssa.fenix on July 8, 2014 at 9:30 AM||comments (0)|
You definitely made some idiotic choices along the way. Don't take forever to follow your dreams because of what other people may think. Currently you are a sergeant in the Marine Corps getting ready to endeavor marriage with the most beautiful woman in the world. Living it up in Hawaii at that, I wouldn't believe it if i was you too. You took forever to join the military because of don't ask don't tell. The government will eventually let you have the freedom to love who you want to love. You missed out on a great opportunity to have a successful career at a young age because you just wanted to be rebel and not give a damn about anything or anyone. It also worked out in a way because you eventually found out who you were, with that you found your fiance too. Just because one girl broke your heart doesn't mean they all will. Straight girls will always be straight girls, you can't change them. So stop trying!! Be careful with your experimenting because you tend to lose friends when they want to become serious and you don't. It might be just exploring to you, but it means something deeper to them. Cherish the friends that you have because a lot of them will be there for you. Especially when you go through it with your mother. She is going to be your worst enemy, don't let her bring you down or get in your way of your dreams. You were always right about her. She will show her true colors when you have finally succeeded. If I knew then what I know now I would've focused on school and not girlfriends. There is more to life than Myspace and AOL. You don't have to be the token gay girl at school. Life definitely moved on and you need to be prepared for that. Stay away from the parties because it is taking its toll on your body now. It really isn't that cool to do drugs and you would be a lot farther in life. I kinda wish I would've joined the Marine Corps when I was 18. Your pint up aggression would've taken you far. It's doing wonders for me right now. Just remember who you are deep down inside. Nobody can change that, not even you.
|Posted by Alyssa.fenix on July 8, 2014 at 9:30 AM||comments (0)|
You don't have to have sex with all those dudes. Make sure you always use protection. You'll feel a lot better about yourself, though I'm not sure you'll ever lose the fear that you might be carrying a child to a man you've only know for one night. Stop doing that shit. It's too stressful and you don't really like it. Do you?
You will never worry about that with a woman. She cannot get your pregnant, so have fun. Just remember . . . You will learn how to be an asshole from many, many men. They are not all bad. Some of you best friends are men. Gender roles don't have to be confusing when you do what comes naturally. Further, you will learn how to be a gentlewoman. When you fall in love, treat her like you'd want to be treated. For your lady, do the most. Buy flowers. Open doors. And if she loves you back, she will do the same for you, making you feel beautiful and loved. There's no imbalance in requited love.
I'd love to tell you to turn down the gay. It might help with your future job search, but deep down inside, that doesn't feel right. There has to be room for all of us. That's why coming out is so important. As long as we are invisible, no one ever has to act like we exist. They don't have to worry about our interests, our “lifestyle” or the way we love, if we choose to be invisible. You are worthy of love, a successful career, and the patience from yourself and your partner, and a world where you matter.
That job you'll have after grad school . . . Stay there for no more than three years. Get out and never look back. You know what you want to do and what makes you feel good. It won't be easy, but maybe I'll write you again and give you some advice about your 30s. Until then, keep it movin and #keepitgangsta. This pound sign will make a lot more sense in 2013. Love,
Older Wiser You
|Posted by Alyssa.fenix on June 24, 2014 at 2:00 PM||comments (0)|
I know it is a bit hard to believe that I you are reading something that ""you"" (future you) has written you YOU (current younger you) LOL
Well I am writing you for a very important reason so let's cut to the chase!
Since I have lived past the time you are now experiencing I have a rather unique and insightful bit of information that I would like to share with you; it's kind of like the new movie (new for the 2014 you) of the X-Men where Professor X sends Logan back in time per se to convince the younger Charles of keeping hope alive. Believe it or not, that is pretty much my message to you.
I know that you are going through HELL right now!
I know that the feelings of isolation you feel are making you consider killing yourself and that you cry almost nightly out of pain, guilt, shame, and anger!
I know that you pray and wish and hope that God will change you or kill you in your sleep!
I know that you have done some very reckless things because you felt that you were not worthy!
I also know that you have the glimmer of hope in your heart!
You think very often of how you want to change the world like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Siddhartha, and Yeshua! I know!
I know that you dream of doing amazing things with your art, teaching, sign language, and more!
I know that this tug of war between the light and the darkness is part of what is causing you to suffer... I KNOW!
And I want you to know that you will get past this!
You will rise above it, you will shine, you will evolve and you will transform into something that if I were to tell you now, you would think I was making this shit up!
So I will not go into that. What I do want to tell you are these 2 things and I want you to commit this to your mind and your heart!
1. You had the power all along! You are right now where you are more powerful that you can imagine and if you take the time to breathe, meditate, exercise, forgive, and love your self... you will see that power shining through and throughout your life!
2. Seek like minded folks who uplift and support you! You are around far too many negative, hate-filled, naysayers; and some of them are people you cannot simply stop being around (like family) however you can counterbalance their darkness by aligning with more light workers! Friends, teachers, counselors, . . . anyone who truly supports you! It will make a huge difference to you! Believe me or should I say believe you since I am you? LOL
Anyway sir, know that it is, does, and will get better!
You are not, never have been, and in truth never will be alone.. you have an amazing ""LGBT family"" out there... go meet them!